Gerald (Jerry) Zezas

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Thomas Aquinas Explains How God Makes Woopie

Wonderful Originator of the heavens and the earth; how can He have a son when He has no consort? He created all things, and He hath full knowledge of all things
—Qur’an 6:101

They say, ‘God has begotten a son.’ God forbid! Self-sufficient is He. His is all that the heavens and the earth contain. Surely for this, you have no sanction. Would you say of God what you know not?
—Qur’an 10:68

Such was Jesus, the son of Mary. That is the whole truth, which they still doubt. God forbid that He Himself should beget a son! When He decrees a thing He need only say: ‘Be,’ and it is.
—Qur’an 19:35

I don’t use these passages to pitch one religion against another, but only to illustrate that another Abrahamic religion, one which, when scrutinized, is extremely similar to Christianity (no, the Quran does not say anything about 73 virgins) can so contradict one of the most fundamental tenets of Christianity.

I’m trying to illustrate that not only Atheists have problems with the entire premise of God having a “son”, but that those belonging to the second largest religion on earth (1.4 billion members) can contradict the premise that the most powerful force the earth has ever known needed to impregnate a mere mortal to have his word spread throughout the earth, then die for some sin that God himself perpetuated.

This is a common thread with those who must anthropomorphize their fantasies in an effort to make them more palatable. God the Spirit needed some walking around flesh in order to make him copacetic to the unwashed masses. Whatever this purported God did to this purported Virgin to create this purported Second God who is, Himself, the only God seems to be so blindingly lacking in necessity and logic as to beg suspension of disbelief.

The premise that an all-powerful God needed the mere flesh of a mortal woman to create a son, whereas he, God, had already created man by the snap of a divine finger, is idiotic to say the least. Oh, right, that was the Old Testament, which we seem to have decided was written when God was young and naive. As Gilda Radner’s character Emily Litella used to say in the early days of SNL, “Never mind”.

Even Thomas Aquinas could only justify this extra-biologic occurrence by suggesting that since sex is so dirty (now we see where that came from) there is no way that God could have gone through history as having gotten a little nookie, so he invented virgin births for one-time use. He claims to have had nothing to do with it. He just laid it all on the bitch (and now we know where that came from too).

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The Blogger Who Stole Christmas

Ok, I’m finally going to do it. I’m going to admit what I’ve been keeping a secret for many years now, partly due to embarrassment, partly due to fear of public reprisal, partly because I didn’t think others would understand. Yup, I’m coming out today…

Oh no, not that kind of coming out. I still like girls (err, ah, women). And no, I’m not a secret Repub, closet sports fan, clandestine lover of Disney World or Dancing with the Stars aficionado. I’m admitting that I hate Christmas. Yeah, all of it.

The story of Christmas is the first lie we tell our children. Then, as we watch their gullible little minds absorb all the requisite preposterous myths as fact, we, smug and self-assured for being so much smarter than they, take pictures of their adorable little faces as they put their trust in some stranger dressed in a ridiculous red suit and beg him to bring them all the materialistic garbage that we will later in life tell them do not make for true happiness. Yup, that’s what we do to our kids.

Then, as they grow and we teach them that the real meaning of Christmas is some alternative lie, (you know, Jesus and all that crap) the only difference between the two being that the second one has an entire book dedicated to it (or two books, if you count the Old Testament). So, we teach them the first lie, then, when they get too “smart” to believe that one, we say, “oh, no, no, no, no, you don’t believe THAT story, do you? But the NEW one we’re going to spend the rest of your life telling you is true. And we have this old-looking mass produced faux leather-bound book to prove it.”

We then spend every year complaining about how early the Christmas “season” starts (I was raised with Spring, Summer, Winter and Fall) while strategically planning our mission to Wal Mart on Black Friday to get a special deal on that 80″ TV that we just MUST have this year, lest the neighbors peek in our windows and see us watching the Food Network on a mere 42. We do this while complaining about rampant consumerism as we, insouciant at the irony, gleefully contribute to it.

We watch TV in the evenings to see obese, tube-topped women stand, pressed against the door at Target, awaiting the blow-out sale where everything is 150% off plus an added 10% bonus discount for only the first 30 seconds or until at least 10 customers are trampled so badly that the bloody floor makes people trip and slide into the XBox display. Cleanup on isle 3 indeed.

Then, victorious in our tracking, hunting and ultimate capture of our very own Playstation XPS5000 Violent Savage-Terrorist Killer Edition with Hyper Connectivity, instructions for hacking Iran’s nuclear facilities as well as the Deluxe Carry Handle, we grab a burger at Applebees and drive home, resplendent in the knowledge that we have once again achieved…

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