Dear Conservative Americans
We here at the Islamic State (praise be to Allah) also known to you as ISIS or ISIL want to reassure you that we have no intention of coming to your country to attack you. We realize that many of you think we are already there, since that phony ex-CIA agent on Fox, Wayne Simmons (recently arrested for impersonating a CIA agent), told you about these so-called “sleeper cells” all over your country. We got a really good laugh about that, but recently realized that none of that is necessary.
This revelation came after the most recent attack by one of your “deranged lunatics” (you know, since that is what you call your Christian terrorists), upon a Planned Parenthood facility. We realized that rather than spend all the money on travel, suicide vests, bomb-making laboratories as well as the explosives themselves, plus risking our own lives on the transport and detonation of these devices, that our work would be redundant.
We could never bring as many guns into your country as you already have. We could never import as many haters of your government as you already have. We could never, in a thousand years, kill as many American as you kill in a year, all by yourselves. The kind of hatred and distrust that you have for yourselves could never be duplicated by a few thousand ISIS members, so why bother?
We do have our differences though. We, at least, are willing to die for what we believe in, whereas you are only willing to kill for what you believe in. But hey, even the best of friends can’t agree on everything!
What is it that you say? “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”? It appears that you have done just that. You have helped us tremendously by constantly invoking our sacred name (praise be to Allah) and spreading fabricated terror about us, all the while helping us do our sacred duty (praise be to Allah) by doing it for us.
Nobody hates Americans and America more than you sacred Second-Amendment patriots, and we thank you for it.
From our God to your “God,” we thank American Conservatives for making our job easier, and allowing us to concentrate on killing Syrian women and children!
Allahu Akbar motherfuckers!