Gerald (Jerry) Zezas

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I Think My Cat is a Republican


I was watching my cat last night as all the NYE fireworks were going off in the neighborhood. I noticed some interesting similarities between him and Repubs…

1. Big, conceptual things, like loud noises that he doesn’t understand, cause him to run and hide. He, like Repubs, likes simple concepts that he can manage in small bites. Anything that is too complex for his brain (like the concept of fireworks or Obamacare) overloads his psyche and he just runs under the bed and hides. In other words, he rarely thinks, and mostly reacts to things that scare him.

2. He likes to kill things. (I’ll let you insert your own snarky remarks about guns, war and militant cops).

3. When he sees an adversary who he perceives as weaker than he, the claws come out, he arches his back and he’s ready to pounce. This only happens with things that are smaller and weaker than he is like geckos, small snakes and bugs. He never does this to things more powerful than he. You know, like how we try to control and attack small countries that we perceive as being weak, but Russia and China, nah.

4. He’s extremely territorial. When another animal who looks different than he does tries to come near the house, he goes ape-shit and defends his territory. I’m pretty sure he wishes we had a big wall around the property to keep those Mexican, err, foreign cats out.

5. He’s very secretive especially after I catch him doing something wrong. He just seems to walk away with his head up in the air as if nothing happened, and hope no one will ask too many questions. You know, like when we waterboard people.

6. He struts around the house as if he built it, block by block, disregarding the fact that a higher power (me) was there laying the infrastructure for it well before he was born. He’s proud of the fact that he poops, all by himself, with no help from others, yet disregards the fact that someone else (me) had to buy the damned litter box. He thinks the world is a better place because of the fact that he exists.

7. He sheds everywhere and licks his own butt. (still working on the relevance, but, you know what I mean).

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