Gerald (Jerry) Zezas

Home » Incongruity » When the Bible refers to Paradise, apparently it means Florida

When the Bible refers to Paradise, apparently it means Florida

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I live near Venice, Florida, which is at times, and by some, described as “paradise”. It is this description, heard by me of late, that makes me wonder what the hell people think paradise is.

Paradise, (or Heaven in biblical terms), appears to be that place where everything you want is available all the time, with no penalties for overindulgence. Some think it’s 72 virgins, (or 76 or 70 or whatever), which probably wouldn’t be bad, although the virgin part is less important than is the abundance of willing females.

Some think it is the act of being in peace with all around you. No stress, deceitfulness, anger, pain, dishonesty or unfulfilled dreams. Not bad either, I guess.

But for some reason, on much of both coasts of Florida, there are many who think they’ve found this paradise. Now it does seem reasonable that, since men die at a younger age than women, there may in fact be 72 of them for each man (I’m still counting). But the virgin thing…well.

Also, there are a multitude of supermarkets, drugstores, beauty salons, home centers, restaurants and banks within a short distance, the availability of which would suggest some reduction in stress and unfulfilled dreams, assuming that easy consumerism is one of your dreams and having to drive a long distance for a mani-pedi is stressful to you.

Other than that, all I can find are golf courses around every curve and faux-Italianate architecture, some of which is actually made of styrofoam molded to look like aged stone or cement. Abbondanza you say?

This is the same in other areas of Florida, where over-fertilized St Augustine grass, shrubs identical to those of your neighbors, a white Caddy in the driveway and your very own golf cart appears to be the reason many of us spent our lives not stealing, cursing, adulter-ing or coveting our neighbor’s wife. Well, not so that she’d notice anyway.

Based on my understanding of what paradise was supposed to be, juxtaposed with what it is apparently is, I’d advise everyone to start sinning as much as they like.

I mean, why miss out on all that cursing, stealing, coveting and screwing around with your neighbor’s hot wife, just to end up with 2500 sq ft under air in Boca? And questionable virgins?


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