I’ve decided to take a break from my typically profound, timely, newsworthy, displays of dime-store erudition and speak to those who must tattoo the national speed limit on one hand and their IQ on the other-so they don’t mix them up.
Yes, friends, I saw the tweets that followed the announcement of the new Miss America (an imbecilic, meaningless contest that pays hot women to walk around in bikinis literally glued to their asses while trying to say smart things about Darfur and Miley Cyrus). Her name is Nina Davuluri and she’s ‘merkin as Ted Cruz. (err, well, you know what I mean). Her family happens to be from India. But she was born in the USA.
The tweets in question suggested that she is a terrorist, a Muslim, an Arab, a foreigner, a practitioner of Sharia Law (they actually spelled practitioner wrong) as well as calling her Miss Al Qaeda.
So, I decided that it’s time to speak to some of these politically, geographically and genetically challenged individuals in their own language. To those of you with sensibilities not sympathetic to the roadhouse owner in the movie Porky’s, I ask your indulgence, and that you hide the children.
Here friends, is how you can tell if a person is one of those that all good Americans are supposed to hate. Ready…go!
The ones who Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glen Beck, Michelle Bachman, Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh have approved us to shoot on site with our new AR-15s (or failing that, give the finger to whenever convenient) are middle-eastern Arab Muslims, where the men are typically bearded and stereotypically angry. They believe in a religion that acknowledges Jesus as a Prophet but not as the Savior, descends from Abraham and, overall, has as much violence in its holy book as the Bible. Certain of them ostensibly learned to fly airplanes and committed a horrific act about 12 years ago. They sometimes speak very rapidly and forcefully. These are who you associate with 9-11.
Then, living 2000 miles away (in Asia) is a group of people from India who are Hindu, where the men are commonly mustachioed and usually quite friendly. They believe in a religion that has virtually no connection to Islam or Christianity, and is quite non-violent. They sometimes speak in an uplifting sing-song manner and are usually very polite. They are also vegetarians, believing that cows are sacred. They have never tried to hurt us. These are who you associate with 7-11. (I said you, not me).
The chick who got Miss America this time was the second one, having no similarities to the first.
So remember. 9-11, bad guys. 7-11, good guys.
If you’re going to be a racist, bigoted, knuckle dragging, mouth breathing, bleeding hemorrhoidal resident of the dark recesses of humanity’s buttocks, do us all a favor and at least try to be good at it, ay?